- SSS CIP
- The Newbie Su...
- TPtP CIP
|An excellent example|
|Here's a critique of c.a average length. It's well written and was much appreciated by the story's author.|
|Hi Lin -|
I really enjoyed this story so far. Of course it helps that I'm the mom of two LARP vampires who are doing the King of New York game here, so I understand the context somewhat. (I think my son actually plays as one of those Semere assassins, BTW, with shape changing powers too - a deadly crew, that, by all accounts!)
I have to ask - Is Appolonia the Felis? I know that's a spoiler question, but Felis is latin for cat and she does turn into one. It would make so much sense if she were. And I can see from their deep and instant chemistry and mutual attraction how that would work. Of course he doesn't know that right away, and why would he? That's a good way to create suspense while letting the story move along nicely. He would think he's still looking for the Felis, and neither of them would know until the very end that she is actually what he seeks. And that she has already saved his ongoing eternal life from the very first time he fed on her, which also made her eternal.
Your characters are both very well drawn, and the portrait of Appolonia starts very subtly at first. The only objection I had at all is to Gaven's calling Appolonia 'honey'. It just sounds so out of place for someone whose speech pattern otherwise has that slight edge of formality that you've done so well for him. Vampires on the whole tend to be just a bit more formal than the average speaker, I've noticed. You've held to that nicely otherwise, even with the slight traces of dialect and accent you throw in for him occasionally.
Your descriptions of the jungle, and of her transformations back and forth are particularly awesome. You use visual language and images so well, it makes wonderful mental pictures for the reader. That's a terrific skill, and allows you to show instead of tell in a fabulous way.
I thought this was a well balanced story. Your flow of action, dialogue and description works to hold my attention all the way through. You let the characters and their motivations grow on us naturally, which will be good for RuneStone readers, who already know and love this genre. And the romance works - it doesn't feel forced, which is saying a lot for this genre.
BTW, is RuneStone affiliated with White Wolf Press, which does all the background books for the LARPs? I don't know if White Wolf publishes any other vampire fiction besides their game play books, but they might be a market for you. Worth a look, at least.
Nice work, Lin. I look forward to reading the rest of this.
Here's the story: www.critiquecircle.com/queue.asp?action=lookup&index=1819